Lost? Lost.

Dec 29, 2018
Saturday
11:14 PM

Christmas was right around the corner. The winter breeze had already settled in our streets, the fog had taken over the park and the roads were silent, calm, peaceful like they never are.

Source: Google Images

I was awaiting for the universe to show me a sign, a direction - just something to point me towards my goal, my purpose in life and relieve me of this unsettling feeling of being a pond. Stationary and fleeting.

I'm well-settled in my job, my profession is what I wanted to do ever since I was a child. My parents love me, my family is happy with how I am. Everything's great but call me a pessimist, I know this won't last. Wise will the ones who'll stand prepared for the nadir, for all good things must come to an end. 

I have no pressures of succeeding in life, but constantly and overwhelmingly, I feel pressured by myself. "Is that all? Is this the end of your aspirations?"- and more feelings of resentment, hopelessness and underachievement keep knocking my peace over. I always thought of myself as a bright child, one who understood life better than her peers. Clearly, my vision was skewed and I overestimated my abilities by a large margin. 

I'm not any less ambitious than what I was at the barmy age of 7. I have dreams, much more low-key and simple, but they are on my list of priorities. And as ever, as long as I keep chasing these thoughts, I would do my job towards this world. As much as I'm doubtful, I am not scared to try.

Comfortable with my misery

Dec 5, 2018
Wednesday
8:47 PM


I don't think I can emphasise this enough but I know the answers to all of my doubts and all of my fears, but I still yearn to complain. I'm miserable and even though I don't cherish it, I still find myself helpless while trying not to indulge in it.

I always turn to writing when I am overwhelmed, to some that might be an insult to this beautiful form of art. Forgive me for being so selfish, for I never found a soul that would hold me when I timidly stood in front of my storms.

By any means, this is not supposed to be an insult to all those wonderful people (and animals) who did stand by me, in times of hurt and loss. But I am sorry, I couldn't connect even though it was hardly your fault.

I'm nervous and I'm hopeless. I feel incompetent and unmotivated. And I feel this so often that it just aches to even bring myself to recovery. I wish I could just stop ranting. I wish I could just change it all. But look at my sorry state of self, I will complain till the break of many dawns.

I'm miserable and I like it. I have made it my home and I've nestled my sadness as a part of my being. It is only a matter of time that happiness would come to me, modestly become my guest for a day or two and then rush out of my life with a pace faster than it took to walk in.

I know I will survive and subsequently thrive because even a broken clock is right twice a day. I on the other hand am a capable, confident and conscientious human - the trifecta of just-above-averagely successful professional.