Lost? Lost.

Dec 29, 2018
Saturday
11:14 PM

Christmas was right around the corner. The winter breeze had already settled in our streets, the fog had taken over the park and the roads were silent, calm, peaceful like they never are.

Source: Google Images

I was awaiting for the universe to show me a sign, a direction - just something to point me towards my goal, my purpose in life and relieve me of this unsettling feeling of being a pond. Stationary and fleeting.

I'm well-settled in my job, my profession is what I wanted to do ever since I was a child. My parents love me, my family is happy with how I am. Everything's great but call me a pessimist, I know this won't last. Wise will the ones who'll stand prepared for the nadir, for all good things must come to an end. 

I have no pressures of succeeding in life, but constantly and overwhelmingly, I feel pressured by myself. "Is that all? Is this the end of your aspirations?"- and more feelings of resentment, hopelessness and underachievement keep knocking my peace over. I always thought of myself as a bright child, one who understood life better than her peers. Clearly, my vision was skewed and I overestimated my abilities by a large margin. 

I'm not any less ambitious than what I was at the barmy age of 7. I have dreams, much more low-key and simple, but they are on my list of priorities. And as ever, as long as I keep chasing these thoughts, I would do my job towards this world. As much as I'm doubtful, I am not scared to try.

Comfortable with my misery

Dec 5, 2018
Wednesday
8:47 PM


I don't think I can emphasise this enough but I know the answers to all of my doubts and all of my fears, but I still yearn to complain. I'm miserable and even though I don't cherish it, I still find myself helpless while trying not to indulge in it.

I always turn to writing when I am overwhelmed, to some that might be an insult to this beautiful form of art. Forgive me for being so selfish, for I never found a soul that would hold me when I timidly stood in front of my storms.

By any means, this is not supposed to be an insult to all those wonderful people (and animals) who did stand by me, in times of hurt and loss. But I am sorry, I couldn't connect even though it was hardly your fault.

I'm nervous and I'm hopeless. I feel incompetent and unmotivated. And I feel this so often that it just aches to even bring myself to recovery. I wish I could just stop ranting. I wish I could just change it all. But look at my sorry state of self, I will complain till the break of many dawns.

I'm miserable and I like it. I have made it my home and I've nestled my sadness as a part of my being. It is only a matter of time that happiness would come to me, modestly become my guest for a day or two and then rush out of my life with a pace faster than it took to walk in.

I know I will survive and subsequently thrive because even a broken clock is right twice a day. I on the other hand am a capable, confident and conscientious human - the trifecta of just-above-averagely successful professional.

If your life isn't unpredictable, how do you know you're alive?

23-Oct-2016
03:34 AM
Friday

Oh my god. Now this is exciting. Writing after more than one and a half year since my last post. Well, not exactly, I've been writing now on a regular basis. Yeah, who would've thought haan?

I'm still trying to process why all of my blogs were such lame examples of teenage drama. Not that its gotten over anyway, but damn! Things have sure changed alot.

Choosing to post an entry at this point of time is certainly an obvious characteristic of me. Spontaneity. I run on this fuel, you should know that. People come and go, some people even come back after they go and some never do. The latter has never been a part of my experience as a very keenly observing human being, but now I think it would be.

I'd like to put some closure to the last entry I put up here. I didn't make a mountain out of a molehill because that particular person really changed the way I look at life now. A lot of consequences of that choice are yet to be dealt with but let's just say, I'm up for whatever life throws at me now.

I desired for something, I got that something and then I gave up that something. Was I fool for giving up something I once craved? May be. But for all I know now, it was essential for me to let go at that time and I'm proud of myself for doing it.

I'm a slow adapter, I learn quick for sure but my adjustment speed is far slower than any average human being. I sob and I sob and the repetitions go on up until I do something more stupid. I actually wreck havoc of my own life, but it's like I love falling in those storms. I love that nakedness of a soul when it is struggling through its hardest times. I don't know why but I really think that I attract brokenness.

A person leaving shouldn't change you. That's what they say. But, how would I ever grow if I don't change. I was spiralling in a world of hopelessness for a long while now, on some level of my subconscious mind, I still think I am. But what kind of life would I be leading if I'm empty of that one thing that binds this whole world?

Holding onto that piece or droplet of hope I have. Trying to think I could leave my mark on this world. I could change my life and I could change a few other lives. Hopefully make this world a better place, for all my wisdom has been a gift of the world itself.

Will continue these random thoughts some other time as well.

Goodnight, to whoever who stumbled accidentally on my blog.

Is it really happening, or I am just making a mountain out of a molehill?

6-03-2015
Friday

21:06

A very colorful and joyous Holi, first of all. I'd been away for long. Life has become a lot more busier than it used to be back in the day when I first made this blog. Things have changed, and as a repercussion, so have my priorities.

Now, what is bothering me so much that I finally took some time out of my "oh-so-busy" schedule? It's about a guy (big whoop!). I met him in college, when one of my friends gave me a whisper about him thinking I'm cute. Well, I went nuts. I had to know who was this person, who liked me? Me: a complete moron looking, chubby and quite a times misinterpreted as short outspoken girl. And I hence, stalked him on the internet and instantaneously developed a crush on him.

Being the gutsy and overconfident girl I am, I went on to talk to him and got my heart split into two pieces when made to realise that he likes me as a "sister". I was hurt on some level and thus I made myself completely oblivious to the fact the I actually liked him. He and I became friends as a consequence, started talking on weekly basis.
Now, it wasn't until last night when he asked me if I knew that he still likes me. I made the topic go away in few seconds by bring emphasis on something else. I knew if I listened to him for one second, my feelings for him might rekindle again, and now I so don't want that to happen. Then, he, being the shy guy he is, kept on throwing a few clues on how he might "fall" for me, if I don't stop being that charming. And to my surprise, this very guy who used to leave chatting with me abruptly by saying goodnight so that he could talk to somebody else, and I would leave him alone, stayed up chatting with me till 5:30 in the morning and didn't even say goodnight until I said we should sleep. I was shocked.

We talked about everything and I didn't give away a clue that I like him. I know he likes some chick from our college and hence, I didn't make any move. But when he woke up we started chatting again. We've been inseparable for the past 55 something hours. Am I to believe that he likes me? If he doesn't why would he stay up so late chatting with me? and if he does, does he like me just as much as that other chick he likes? Or, am I just making a mountain out of a molehill?

To gain your heart's desire.

4:07 PM
22nd July 2014
Tuesday

This is not really my ideal time to post a blog entry but its getting harder for me to keep this inside and I need an outlet, & what's better than writing it? I mean I love writing. Yeah, sure, people don't particularly enjoy reading it, but then again since when did I care about people.

This entry is related to my last entry. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions ever since realized what are emotions. I get too close, or I'm in solitary. Either way I stay on the extreme ends of emotional spectrum. Well, that's me! But this particular someone forced me to stay in between these extremities of emotional spectrum, in other words, to be normal. Now, I tell you being normal isn't easy because I've been abnormal for a major portion of my life. But I did it. I waited. Controlled my damned emotions from overflowing.

Its been months since I started being with this particular person. Different, charming, adorable and most of all generous. Too much generous. Carelessly generous. Never ever did anything to hurt me. And today I did the biggest of all. I hurt him. I was scared. Didn't know how to end things with someone. Never did. Always been the "dumped" person. How can I end things without hurting, its collateral! I had to figure a way out. But no matter what I tried today, just to make it go smoother, things went that only that worse. And it just ended. There. I gave up, in my senses, the one thing that I just desired more than anything a few months ago. I don't know. And now I feel George Bernard. I really do. I wrote it. In my blog. I guess a year ago. Can't believe I actually got to experience it! Life is so wise, man. Just like master Oogway. I love Oogway, man.

And that said, I would wind up with this entry with obviously this, there are two tragedies in life, one is to lose your heart's desire and other is to gain it. And I sure as hell gained mine.

PS : I cleared second sem without any graces. My happiness is beyond the scope of this entry :P

& this one is not about the Maths exam

2:42 AM
25-05-2014
Sunday

You can obsesses over something for a good portion of your life, and obsession is a crazy thing to begin with. I have recently been obsessing over someone for quite a while now and just in an enormous manner. "I knew you were trouble when you walked in", but I just didn't care. You seem to make me forget everything. How I ended up here is a mystery to me. With your enigmatic smile and charming talks, I fell for you immediately. Not sure how you fell for me? But may be life doesn't always gives you lemons. That's how I feel.

And now I have my maths exam tomorrow and you know how maths exams freak me out. I'm just not sure, how to deal with your lifestyle. We are two different poles. You know how it feels when you get what you want, you just can't seem to hold it together. You can practically see it slipping right out of your hands. I'm much more than confused here. I just don't know what to do.

Perhaps, studies are the solution to everything, as my tutor once said.

Gah! Goodnight!

The "Juno" Effect

29th March 2014
0022hours
Saturday

Its weekend. Its weekend! Always grateful to my college for not scheduling any classes on weekends. Thumbs up, BVCOE. But a new year has started. So many changes, and I assure you none of them were my "NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS".

I'm the worst at NY resolutions. I just can't think of any except what my, lets see, I think 7th grade tutor suggested me which were, "I will improve my communication skills and I will not eat junk food". Well that's off the table since I'm old enough to know that she was infact judging me for the fact that I was a chubby little kid who was taking communication lessons. That was so not cool man.

Anyways, changes are pretty evident in my opinion. But this entry has some interesting relation to this movie, Juno, I saw almost a fortnight ago. I really really enjoyed the movie. Finely written finely acted. But the Juno effect didn't appear until last night, when I was about to go to sleep and I randomly decided to watch the movie again. I didn't realize I felt asleep during the movie until the next morning I woke up. And when I woke up, I was glad that I woke up. The dream was completely as the movie was, except a teeny change where Juno MacGuff was infact, yes right, me and not gorgeous Ellen Page. Also there were little bit of change in characters with my parents in place of Juno's parents etc etc. Gosh! Unlike Juno I was a freak show of a person under that situation, completely mad. Losing my mind acting like a chicken, yes a chicken. I mean I could never handle underage pregnancy. Also you know its not the same here, in India. I mean its ALOT different. To describe it in words is unbelievably hard for me. Oh alright. I see it. Gotta improve my communication skills. Well! What can I say? In the words of Alice Cooper "I'm eighteen and I don't know what I want."

Goodnight Goodfellas

PS I'm sleepy

Yes we are young and troubled

December 19th 2013
1:33 AM
Thursday


It's after the midnight and also its the night before the ever famous mathematics exams. I studied for about 8 hours likely, of course with short breaks and all, but just that's it. Now currently at the moment I'm feeling so much overflowed with stuff. Its like I can't take a sip more of this insanity. I had to just revise but OH MY GOD, I can't begin to touch the book. I'm so full. Now I had the option to either full my tummy and sleep or go to the web, write something and feel relief! I don't know, I wanna see some dancing. Yeah I definitely want that.

God I wish I could just relax.
I don't have much to say now.
Achha haan, my sister just blabbered something in her sleep.

PS Something interesting that caught my attention today - Destruction is a form of creation.
Isn't that something?

To improve is to Change, To be perfect is to change often.

11-07-2013

1102 hours

Monday 

Starting my entry with a Winston Churchill quote? Seems quite cool to me. I haven't read any Winston Churchill's published works, though I would love to give a read. Only a few days back did I get to know about his role during the famous Adolf Hitler phase. Enough with that. I've been spending quite lot of time with family these days. Not that I did not do that earlier just that now I don't have a deadline of any kind!

Another good thing is that my youngest cousins are back in India for there summer vacations. Its such a joy to talk to them.

This phase, this school ending phase had been really hard on me in terms of almost everything. My methods to deal with this remained constant for a while but not for long. See if something goes wrong once, twice or may be thrice you would think of giving another shot and you know, not giving up. But if something goes wrong for as many as 11 times, you have to understand there is something that you're doing wrong or may be your doing the same thing again and again and not changing your ways, your methods of solving the problem. Trying to think of another way and more ways different than your last way would definitely be a game changer!

PS:  A Life spent doing mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life doing nothing. Oh Georgee! You're such a brainy !  

Got my Groove Back ♫♫

23-06-2013
23:45 Hours
Sunday

Well, Well ! Back from the dirty business of "studying to get into a college". Its been days since I gave my last exam. & my score of passing those exams that I gave is pretty much in my against rather than being in favor , even after all the studying I put in for about 1 and a half years, I'd say. Anyways, Yesterday's History and Tomorrow's a Mystery! & Today is a gift, That's why its called the "Present" :) - Has become my motto for that every horrendous day I'd see my results.

Nevertheless I've got my groove back because, you know, its my Summer Holidays! - With NO HOMEWORK OR STUDIES?? "What?" NO STUDIES,YEAH! Been waiting for this time for what it feels like a century! I got to get acquainted with my hidden desire for really great Hard Rock! I got to do painting and drawing again. Well that is something!! & I got to play guitar. Even if i suck at it, it gives me that "strive to drive" force to learn playing on it. & People- I really am trying!

I do remember this George Bernard Shaw quote, I heard somewhere that has nothing to do with this entry which goes like " There are two tragedies in life, one is to lose your heart's desire and other is to gain it." Undoubtedly goes with a very deep meaning,& was ringing in my head for quite a while. Don't know why!

& I thought that when school will end its all gonna be a piece of cake!

26-04-2013
2350 Hours

So it was a normal day once again until i realized it was an entrance exam tomorrow. Ever since I wrecked my JEE MAINS, the most important exam, I'm almost feeling like not studying at all as it gets nothing..Well somewhere my subconscious hopes that is not true and i get into a decent college after all. Never thought i'd actually had to be responsible for my future, you know? When did I Started becoming responsible for my future..my parents used to do that. Never the less i think I'll revise somethings on my way to the exam center. Can't wait for the day when all of this "Get into a good college" will be over!

Goodnight to all the people who wonder the same stuff like me.

After all there is always someone in some part of the world who is doing or maybe, thinking the same thing I'm doing right now :-)